I'm not racist. I have lots of black friends that I rarely call and hardly ever see

Okay, I'm going to admit what people of color (PoC) accuse white "anti-racists" and self-proclaimed activists of all the time. And we always deny. We always deny it and I'm going to admit it.

Today I was jealous of a white friend, because I realized she has more meaningful relationships with POC than I have. I'm jealous because part of me believes that the more PoC I have in my life, the more "down for the cause" people will believe I am.

I want to be friends with people of color because I believe it will give me credibility. Just like the white male "activist" who sleeps with lots of women of color. Just like the white kids that name drop the president of the Black Student Union or an event that MEChA threw with their white "activist" friends. The white "activist" who listen to lots of hip-hop and changes their style of speech when people of color come around.

On one hand, it's true that white activists who have long-term and meaningful relationships with POC are more trusted by other people of color and can be good examples for us other whiteys in our quests to unlearn this racism.

However, I recognize that I haven't put in a lot of genuine effort with most of the PoC in my life. I've avoided it because strong friendships with people across race, class, and culture lines are a lot of work and I haven't wanted to do it. Most of my close friends are white and in a similar class range. They share similar cultural history and interests and these friendships usually feel easy. I've wanted to avoid discomfort or disconnect, so I usually just run into my PoC friends, chat for a few minutes and move on. I tell myself that's what both of us would prefer.

A black friend of mine who I rarely hang out with, told me recently that I'm one of the only white people she trusts. I've known her for three years and we met in a heated racist situation, in which I sided with her and not the white people in the group. What if she knew about this part of me? But, then I realize she's probably known it all along.

"On Working With White People"
http://thefreeslave.blogspot.com/2006/05/on-working-with-white-people.html

"We hope you think we're as awesome as the Black community does!!"
http://www.blackpeopleloveus.com/