Guest Writer! Needs Your Advice!!
Hey All--
This is a friend. While her behavior isn't about societal oppression, she wanted a go at being open about her oppressive behavior. She wants your advice!
Here's her post!
My oppressive behaviour: I want a casual dating situation- non-exclusivity, no pressure of formal relationship status, sexual intimacy, 'falling in love' without the crap of commitment--- and i'm prepared to sacrifice another person's trusting, sweet, hopeless(?)-misplaced romanticism (& desire for a real & lasting relationship) for my enjoyment.
Is that so wrong? If I'm completely honest, and they're indecisive enough to basically say- "well, ok I'll take what i can get-" with the underlying, somewhat obvious implied line being "I'm hurting myself by investing in you- who doesn't want to invest in me."
should I say no for their sake? should I go ahead & take what they give me, whether they're hurting while I'm taking it or whether I notice or not? Ouch. that hurts to write-
I'm ashamed- eck. yes i know this blog ain't about guilt- it's painful- like fuck- it hurts my self-image to notice that i hurt other people to get what i want. i'm not perfect. fuck, that's disappointing ;)
yes, now i know i don't want to continue this relationship- but it's fucking nice to have that power & get what i want ... shucks i use my power when i've got it.
Thank you, Majoritychick, for this lovely space to publicly explore one tiny recent portion of my oppressiveness.
This is a friend. While her behavior isn't about societal oppression, she wanted a go at being open about her oppressive behavior. She wants your advice!
Here's her post!
My oppressive behaviour: I want a casual dating situation- non-exclusivity, no pressure of formal relationship status, sexual intimacy, 'falling in love' without the crap of commitment--- and i'm prepared to sacrifice another person's trusting, sweet, hopeless(?)-misplaced romanticism (& desire for a real & lasting relationship) for my enjoyment.
Is that so wrong? If I'm completely honest, and they're indecisive enough to basically say- "well, ok I'll take what i can get-" with the underlying, somewhat obvious implied line being "I'm hurting myself by investing in you- who doesn't want to invest in me."
should I say no for their sake? should I go ahead & take what they give me, whether they're hurting while I'm taking it or whether I notice or not? Ouch. that hurts to write-
I'm ashamed- eck. yes i know this blog ain't about guilt- it's painful- like fuck- it hurts my self-image to notice that i hurt other people to get what i want. i'm not perfect. fuck, that's disappointing ;)
yes, now i know i don't want to continue this relationship- but it's fucking nice to have that power & get what i want ... shucks i use my power when i've got it.
Thank you, Majoritychick, for this lovely space to publicly explore one tiny recent portion of my oppressiveness.
Labels: gender, guest writer, relationships, sexuality
posted by wms at 6:22 PM
6 Comments:
I mean, I guess I would just talk with them about it. Generally I don't think it's good to make decisions based on the idea that you know what's best for them. Ultimately, it's like, if you are as clear and honest as you can be, stating that: you don't want any sort of committed or long-term relationship, that's not going to change, and that you feel conflicted about continuing the relationship as is since you're worrying that this other person is just inflicting pain on themselves by accepting this - well, that's what I would do. And then, ultimately, if you still want to continue the relationship you have and so does the other person, having talked about all this, then do it. But if the other person doesn't want to continue it, or if you don't want to continue it - for yourself, not out of some sort of 'charity for the other person' - then don't do it.
I think the key is just to be really open and honest about what you're processing and feeling conflicted about right now. And be as supportive as you can in getting the other person to process themselves too, either with you or alone or with others. And then each of you make the decisions you want and need for yourselves.
well, by the end of your letter you seem to have made it clear: you don't want to continue because of your guilt, but you "want what you want." so the choice is yours; no one can tell you what to do. but it also sounds like you don't really know how the other person feels and are taking it as "implied" that they are hurt by your "power." maybe they're just happy to be getting laid? i know that keeps most people happy for a while, so maybe they don't really mind being used. if you feel guilty, ask them if you're hurting them, and if you are, stop (or don't) -- but just venting your guilty feelings to others doesn't make it O.K.; you still have to live with it. but again, maybe it's no biggie.
So, I originally contacted Majoritychick about writing this b/c of the connection I saw to systemic sexual coercion/oppression: Me (given power through internal clarity of desires, & ability to verbalize desires & partner's obliging behavior)pursuing what I want without consistently pursuing verbal consent (sexual coercion).
I believe verbal communication is absolutely necessary to a healthy sexuality, and fear that the power I held in this situation allowed me to take what I wanted, feeling as though I had 'done enough' by stating what I wanted. I want to reconcile with this fact- I'm not living up to the standards I believe are necessary for healthy sexuality & liberation from sexual oppression.
Of course, in the bit that I ended up submitting to Majoritychick, I spoke more of personal steps, and needed to work out that side of my situation as well. I apologize for using this space for that, instead of societal level stuff.
one more tiny bit:
In this entry, my first instinct was to share the whole story, to include how 'good' I was, besides the 'bad.' This is me playing into my oppressive/power position more-- my underlying thoughtline: I only messed up one little time, hopefully the other person couldn't get hurt that much from one sexual encounter (which I know is TOTAL and Complete bullshit).
Hello oppressiveness. Thanks again, mjrtychk.
yes, one more note:
I spoke with my friend/sexual partner, and this person had no feeling of being hurt, and was, to my surprise, concerned I had been hurt by them in some way.
Im really glad you posted this response to the other responses. It brings up the awesome point that people on the left are rarely interested in pursuing for a variety of reasons. Women can also be sexually coercive and/or violent. While the majority of violence is committed by men, women also can and do coerce people sexually to gain power.
We spend a lot of time saying that sexual violence isn't about sex as much as it is about power. Women are not immune from seeking this power. I know I have used my sexuality to gain or keep control in a situation where I felt my control was slipping or where I was using someone elses weakness to get what I want. So, thanks a whole lot for raising this.
I just want to say about postergirl's comment that 'verbal communication is necessary for a healthy sexuality' - just, I do think communication is necessary for a healthy sexuality, but I think it can happen on many different levels, not just verbal. And for me, that's part of the sexiness of it all. Finding many ways to communicate, not having to just rely on words.
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