"I'm only here because my boyfriend needs me" AKA Internalized Oppression

On Sunday afternoon, I went to check out a bike race. An acquaintance asked if I wanted to come to the endpoint of the race and help set up for the celebratory BBQ. It was a sunny clear sky and the racers were excited, bustling with energy and the $1 beers from the bar where the race was to begin. The vast majority of the racers were men and the three people (including the race organizer) going to the park to set up were women. I felt a little bit like a groupie, because I didn't really know anyone racing very well and I hate to say it, but I wouldn't have minded meeting a cute racer at the end of it all.

I couldn't help but feel my gender while the men raced and I hung out with women. I spend a lot of time with my hetero lady friends talking about men. Even with women I don't know, like these women, we can easily slip into conversation about our love lives or lack thereof. I love how intimate conversations can quickly become between women. But, with so much excitement and a few tasks to accomplish, I felt uncomfortable having our confessional type of conversation. Both women talked quite a bit about their boyfriends (both men were racing). We talked about how long they'd been dating, waking up early to attend every race every weekend, what boyfriends did to pay the bills, and how fucked up things were pre-boyfriends.

It felt like the only thing we could find in common was that we had men in our lives we wanted to support and sob stories about men. This is the first time I've ever noticed myself feel that I longed for the way I've seen my men friends interacting with each other- quiet when the don't have anything to say, joking, showing off and telling stories.