Is black a four letter word?

For the past few days at camp there have been grumbling by black campers about M,a white counselor, who they believe has being racist against them. Yesterday I and D, a black male counselor, told M, that it might be good to sit down and talk with the campers, giving them a space to let her know how they feel. She flipped the fuck out. The highlights were:

1. her yelling "I'M NOT RACIST EVEN A LITTLE BIT AT ALL!" and

2. "I wasn't targeting them because they're [whispering] black. " She actually whispered the word black!

My heart went out to her cause I saw how upset she was. THe campers said they hated her and called her racist, two things that white people don't like. I assume this is her first time being confronted about her racism. I hope it opens her up, instead of shutting her down. Unfortunately, she's also taking the heat for all of camp being designed for white rich kids, from the leadership to the activities we do to what we value. The black girls are reassured they don't fit in all the time at camp and not just by M.

They're only in middle school, but they're already aware they're going to be struggling against racism their whole lives.

White Women's Syndrome

I go out walking after midnight...

Late last night, I took a walk in my neighborhood near a public concert that was disbanding. As I turned to walk home, I heard a single set of footsteps behind me, a noise that always scares me. I turned to look at a tall, husky, dark man walking behind me. I kept walking the same pace. I felt scared, not so much because of his race, but because of his gender. I'm scared of EVERY man walking behind me at 11:30 on a darkened street. His pace was faster than mine and as he passed, he said "I'm just passing you on the right" to let me know what he was doing. It was a really considerate gesture that did make me feel safer. Then moments later, a black man was walking behind me. Again, I felt unsafe. This man switched to the other side of the street to walk to his car, which was on my side, putting lots of room between us.

I can't think of another time when a man has done something to reduce the feeling of fear that a woman walking alone at night feels. Last night two men were aware and active. I sensed they were aware that their race, gender, and large sizes made them threatening to my 5'1 white girl mind. I wanted to say, "its not because your black or brown that I'm scared of you!" but, they were so proactively aware of themselves as men of color out on a dark night that it didn't even matter how I felt. They were protecting themselves, too.

Shh!! I'm uncomfortable!!!

I just got back from a progressive conference that was strife with racial tension. Most of the white people there probably didn't notice, as they were impressed by the racial diversity of the event, way up from previous years (although still probably only 10%) due to concerted efforts by organizers. One of the organizers is my good friend.

I spoke about the dynamics extensively with a couple of my white friends, who knew about the issue and are active in challenging their own racism. Sounds all good, right?

Me and Friends= Good white people who notice things are fucked up and racist
Other White People= Bad for not noticing

But, here's the thing. As my friends and I spoke about racism at the conference, I noticed myself doing something that I do fairly regularly. After they would bring up an incident they noticed or heard about, my first thought was that they were being too sensitive or to defend the white people. I found myself doing this even more than usual, because of my friendship with one of the white organizers. I'm not saying that my first reaction should be to affirm every accusation of racism, but I definitely noticed myself leaning regularly to support the white people and especially my white friend.

My very first reactions was wanting my white friends to stop supporting the belief that racism was present and I really wanted the people of color who were upset to stop making everything so damn uncomfortable for me. I've learned at least enough to challenge those initial thought, but I hate to say that those are still regularly my first reactions.

I want to say thanks to the people of color who are pushing it, even as so-called anti racist activists like myself want them to just let it go and keep me comfortable. And thanks to my white friends this weekend who were holding me accountable without even knowing it.

The View Harasses Brandy

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The Free Slave

I don't know many blogs, but this is one I particularly like. The post that I'm linking to is a speech by Huey Newton of the Black Panthers. Its dated. But, its damn honest and inspiring. Heres a sample.

"Whatever your personal opinions and your insecurities about homosexuality and the various liberation movements among homosexuals and women (and I speak of the homosexuals and women as oppressed groups), we should try to unite with them in a revolutionary fashion. I say ' whatever your insecurities are' because as we very well know, sometimes our first instinct is to want to hit a homosexual in the mouth, and want a woman to be quiet...

...we know that homosexuality is a fact that exists, and we must understand it in its purest form: that is, a person should have the freedom to use his body in whatever way he wants...

...We should be willing to discuss the insecurities that many people have about homosexuality. When I say "insecurities," I mean the fear that they are some kind of threat to our manhood. I can understand this fear. Because of the long conditioning process which builds insecurity in the American male, homosexuality might produce certain hang-ups in us. I have hang-ups myself about male homosexuality...."

Moving On

In a month, I'm leaving my Midwest college town behind. I'll be on the move a bit for the next six months or so. After that I'll be starting again in Chicago.

I'm worried that I won't keep my commitment to being active in a (or is it the?) movement for social justice. I worry that my commitment won't continue outside of a college setting. Here, it's relatively easy to be "radical" because there are so many really public and popular institutions supporting white kids in our searches for justice. Of course our searches for justice are usually loosely veiled attempts at understanding ourselves, our alienation and eventually our comfort.

I don't want to be another liberal who talks the talk or organizes inside of the safe space of university (or university town), but doesn't act or extend themselves outside of that comfort area, like in non-white or non-straight or non-English speaking settings. I want to maintain my beliefs and continue my work even when it isn't handed to me in an organic, co-op produced, education based setting.

It's funny, but I wish I trusted myself and my commitment more, but like any attempt at trust building, I guess that can only be proved over time.