Shh!! I'm uncomfortable!!!

I just got back from a progressive conference that was strife with racial tension. Most of the white people there probably didn't notice, as they were impressed by the racial diversity of the event, way up from previous years (although still probably only 10%) due to concerted efforts by organizers. One of the organizers is my good friend.

I spoke about the dynamics extensively with a couple of my white friends, who knew about the issue and are active in challenging their own racism. Sounds all good, right?

Me and Friends= Good white people who notice things are fucked up and racist
Other White People= Bad for not noticing

But, here's the thing. As my friends and I spoke about racism at the conference, I noticed myself doing something that I do fairly regularly. After they would bring up an incident they noticed or heard about, my first thought was that they were being too sensitive or to defend the white people. I found myself doing this even more than usual, because of my friendship with one of the white organizers. I'm not saying that my first reaction should be to affirm every accusation of racism, but I definitely noticed myself leaning regularly to support the white people and especially my white friend.

My very first reactions was wanting my white friends to stop supporting the belief that racism was present and I really wanted the people of color who were upset to stop making everything so damn uncomfortable for me. I've learned at least enough to challenge those initial thought, but I hate to say that those are still regularly my first reactions.

I want to say thanks to the people of color who are pushing it, even as so-called anti racist activists like myself want them to just let it go and keep me comfortable. And thanks to my white friends this weekend who were holding me accountable without even knowing it.