Have I been in Miami too long?

Standing in the hallway waiting for the elevator at the advetorial (ad+editorial=you think you're reading an article, but its really an advertisement) company where i am currently working, I saw another beautiful woman, looked down at my chest and thought, "maybe i should get brest implants."

Miami will fuck you up.

From a Blog called Breast Augmentation - Cosmetic / Plastic Surgery which is based in Miami:
"To be sure, breast implants are on the rise everywhere. In 1992 there were 32,000 breast implants in the United States. Last year that number had soared to more than 300,000. But in beauty-obsessed Miami, the trend is even more pronounced. After all, the place was inspiration for plastic surgery television shows like Nip/Tuck and Miami Slice. Get-a-free-set contests (like one run by this newspaper) are oh-so-ordinary here. And bargain-basement deals and financing plans are pitched used-car style: The average price of an American breast job was $3373 in 2005; in Miami you can find them for $1999!"

Being self obsessed

Went to an event last night for Umoja Village (http://takebacktheland.blogspot.com/). It's an incredible project thats giving homeless people a community to call their own and protesting Miami wasting billions of dollars thats supposed to be spent on affordable housing. It's been around for two months now. At the rally/party last night, lots of people were saying inspiring things about their experiences, the future of the project, and activism in Miami.

But you know what?

All I could think about was myself. I was thinking about a dude that I think is cute. Why wasn't he talking to me? I was thinking about how I've been feeling sorta lonely. I was thinking about how I felt awkward talking to that one girl who should find me interesting, but obviously doesn't. I was thinking 100% about myself. You know, clapping when other claps triggered me. Like a robot, my body was there, my eyes were glued to speakers and I was in my own pity party.

Is it a privilege thing to get so stuck in these little bits of uncomfortability. Am I so used to comfort that a little bit of discomfort, like loneliness or awkwardness can totally take me out of the world around me and drive me into self-reflection and self-pitying bullshit?

Or is everyone this self-centered?

Miami Wasteland

A few lines from an article not from the front page of the Miami Herald (not the opinion section)

Title: Target pulls Che CD case after barrage of criticsm

"Miami's Cuban exile community collectively gasped at hte use of Fidel Castro's one-time right-hand man to sell music accessories...saying Guevara was one of history's brutal mass murderers"

"questioned Target's move to cash in on Guevara's cult status in some circles, particularly rebellious youth"

"But Guevara's cult status among disaffected youth and others unhappy with the state of the world has endured"

"On occasion, even in staunchly anti-Castro Miami, Saavedra has come across folks sporting Che T-shirts. While doing air conditioning work in Miami Beach several months ago [Saavedra] says he saw the teenage son of his customer wearing one. Saavedra privately approached the father, who was unaware of Che's biograpy and offered a free history lesson in world political history. The customer asked Saavedra to take the shirt with him on the way out."

Reasons Why Miami is A Horrible Perfect Place

1- you must own a dog small enough to be a purse. it has to wear a flashy outfit. it has to be pushed in a stroller.

2- this image is a real laminated sign posted about a shit dog. yes, that does say it's a $5000 reward. please prank call these people.

3- until a couple of years ago there weren't any hipsters here. and im not even using the term hipster as a derogatory, but only as a style of dress, choice in music, and general public attitude. now, there's a bunch of clubs that are literal photocopies of places in new york, with the same hipsters imported here. okay, miami's kinda skanky, but at least we're unique in our skankyness. this white-bred, can't dance, chain smoking, ugly layered clothes, 80s prom dress thing IS NOT MIAMI.

4- per capita miami has more of these things than any comparable city:
-people trying to look hot
-plastic surgery
-people who work totally mainstream, "straight" office jobs during the week that are crazy club kids, wannabe socialites, and coke heads partying til 7am on the weekends
-people claiming to be from miami after leaving here for very brief periods of time

5- per capita miami has less of these things than any comparable city:
-art (not based on selling corporate products)
-hair (men and women and im talking legs, armpits, arms, chest, etc.)
-self-declared feminists, anti-racists, organizers, leftists
-political consciousness and organizing in general
-bike lanes and bikers (besides people who ride beach cruisers between 5th street at 17th street)
-known history of anything besides being a rich person's tourist trap
-events or groups that aren't about getting wasted, meeting hot people, spending money or dancing (ie lectures, films, interest groups, political groups)

6- There's a pretty deep connection between people who grew up here, who've seen it's transformation from a place where normal families could live to a place that exists only to cater to the extravagant whims of the very very rich.

7-Lots and lots of very expensive empty condos. Lots of "pre construction" sales going nowhere. What will happen when the bubble bursts?

it's a new year!

so i know that nobody's reading this anymore. its been a long time. but its still good for me to write, when i feel it in a public place, even if its so out of the way nobody's really looking.

weird how when i was really comfortable in my world it seemed easier to write about this harder stuff. but as i feel less comfortable in a new (old) place, i feel less willing to explore my oppressive stuff. too busy feeling bad for myself. but here it goes, some highlights to end 2006. and maybe some resolutions in the acknowledgment...

1-spent significant chunks of time with queer women and wasn't completely honest about my not exactly being a lesbian. feel this pull towards queer ladies, but don't know if its based on superficial attraction to outsider culture (like a white dude that wants to be black or a rich kid trying to commit class suicide) or on my own unfigured-out sexuality. either way, i wasn't particularly upfront while i tagged along to lesbianic events and chatted with the queers.

2-got a job right away when i got back here at an ice cream store that i worked at when i was in high school. pretty sure boss only liked me becuase i was a whitey rich jew like her and she felt comfortable with me. when i did a bad job, she didn't even want to fire me, because she thought i was smart and she connected with me culturally. then, i found out about another job because i volunteered at a socialjusticy place in high school (only because my mom told me about it back in the day). got reconnected with my old boss and she told me to apply for a job that only 7 other people applied for without even seeing my resume. meanwhile she said one candidate was "highly unqualified" because she had worked for 30 years as an executive's assistant. shit, i would think 30 years of working would make her pretty much more qualified than me for basically everything. but apparently being a recent college grad with connections makes me more qualified.
then i got offered another job as an assistant at an ad agency, with a starting pay of $15 an hour, because of another family connection.
then i got offered an interview as a program coordinator with a salary at a jewish community center, also again based on connections.
remember except for the ice cream shop job, i have absolutely no experiences that any of these people know about that make me qualified for any of these jobs! the only thing i have is connections based on being jewish, family connections, and a college education.
of course there's no guarantee that any of these will pan out or get anywhere beyond the interview stage, but i only have my foot in the door because of my privilege.

3-applied for this uncertified teachers program. after doing the application, i asked my mom to edit it for me. she's been doing that for my whole life! she practically rewrote of my essays. while i didn't use most of her changes, i realized ive always had a parent who has very active involvement in my education. i think about other people who applied for this or for other things, like colleges or scholarships or internships. i imagine the foot up i have on someone who has parents who don't have time or education or language to do that for their kid.

4-i went to an activisty new years party. when i got around this guy who i think has done good work and is interesting, i immediately started being really critical of miami's activist scene. upon reflection, i realized i have used and was using my critique as a way to cover up my own feelings of insecurity around my work here. i felt insecure about my work, so i dissed everyone else because i know its a way to 1)take pressure off myself 2)a fairly respected way of interacting in activist circles.

5-instead of accepting uncomfortabilty as a reality for so many people all the time and seeing myself as only dealing with small bit of it, i'm dwelling in my fears of my many options. should i move here or there? should i live at home (rent free) or move to chicago with my friends that im comfortable with? should i take this job or that one?

okay thats it for now. glad its out there