it's a new year!
so i know that nobody's reading this anymore. its been a long time. but its still good for me to write, when i feel it in a public place, even if its so out of the way nobody's really looking.
weird how when i was really comfortable in my world it seemed easier to write about this harder stuff. but as i feel less comfortable in a new (old) place, i feel less willing to explore my oppressive stuff. too busy feeling bad for myself. but here it goes, some highlights to end 2006. and maybe some resolutions in the acknowledgment...
1-spent significant chunks of time with queer women and wasn't completely honest about my not exactly being a lesbian. feel this pull towards queer ladies, but don't know if its based on superficial attraction to outsider culture (like a white dude that wants to be black or a rich kid trying to commit class suicide) or on my own unfigured-out sexuality. either way, i wasn't particularly upfront while i tagged along to lesbianic events and chatted with the queers.
2-got a job right away when i got back here at an ice cream store that i worked at when i was in high school. pretty sure boss only liked me becuase i was a whitey rich jew like her and she felt comfortable with me. when i did a bad job, she didn't even want to fire me, because she thought i was smart and she connected with me culturally. then, i found out about another job because i volunteered at a socialjusticy place in high school (only because my mom told me about it back in the day). got reconnected with my old boss and she told me to apply for a job that only 7 other people applied for without even seeing my resume. meanwhile she said one candidate was "highly unqualified" because she had worked for 30 years as an executive's assistant. shit, i would think 30 years of working would make her pretty much more qualified than me for basically everything. but apparently being a recent college grad with connections makes me more qualified.
then i got offered another job as an assistant at an ad agency, with a starting pay of $15 an hour, because of another family connection.
then i got offered an interview as a program coordinator with a salary at a jewish community center, also again based on connections.
remember except for the ice cream shop job, i have absolutely no experiences that any of these people know about that make me qualified for any of these jobs! the only thing i have is connections based on being jewish, family connections, and a college education.
of course there's no guarantee that any of these will pan out or get anywhere beyond the interview stage, but i only have my foot in the door because of my privilege.
3-applied for this uncertified teachers program. after doing the application, i asked my mom to edit it for me. she's been doing that for my whole life! she practically rewrote of my essays. while i didn't use most of her changes, i realized ive always had a parent who has very active involvement in my education. i think about other people who applied for this or for other things, like colleges or scholarships or internships. i imagine the foot up i have on someone who has parents who don't have time or education or language to do that for their kid.
4-i went to an activisty new years party. when i got around this guy who i think has done good work and is interesting, i immediately started being really critical of miami's activist scene. upon reflection, i realized i have used and was using my critique as a way to cover up my own feelings of insecurity around my work here. i felt insecure about my work, so i dissed everyone else because i know its a way to 1)take pressure off myself 2)a fairly respected way of interacting in activist circles.
5-instead of accepting uncomfortabilty as a reality for so many people all the time and seeing myself as only dealing with small bit of it, i'm dwelling in my fears of my many options. should i move here or there? should i live at home (rent free) or move to chicago with my friends that im comfortable with? should i take this job or that one?
okay thats it for now. glad its out there
weird how when i was really comfortable in my world it seemed easier to write about this harder stuff. but as i feel less comfortable in a new (old) place, i feel less willing to explore my oppressive stuff. too busy feeling bad for myself. but here it goes, some highlights to end 2006. and maybe some resolutions in the acknowledgment...
1-spent significant chunks of time with queer women and wasn't completely honest about my not exactly being a lesbian. feel this pull towards queer ladies, but don't know if its based on superficial attraction to outsider culture (like a white dude that wants to be black or a rich kid trying to commit class suicide) or on my own unfigured-out sexuality. either way, i wasn't particularly upfront while i tagged along to lesbianic events and chatted with the queers.
2-got a job right away when i got back here at an ice cream store that i worked at when i was in high school. pretty sure boss only liked me becuase i was a whitey rich jew like her and she felt comfortable with me. when i did a bad job, she didn't even want to fire me, because she thought i was smart and she connected with me culturally. then, i found out about another job because i volunteered at a socialjusticy place in high school (only because my mom told me about it back in the day). got reconnected with my old boss and she told me to apply for a job that only 7 other people applied for without even seeing my resume. meanwhile she said one candidate was "highly unqualified" because she had worked for 30 years as an executive's assistant. shit, i would think 30 years of working would make her pretty much more qualified than me for basically everything. but apparently being a recent college grad with connections makes me more qualified.
then i got offered another job as an assistant at an ad agency, with a starting pay of $15 an hour, because of another family connection.
then i got offered an interview as a program coordinator with a salary at a jewish community center, also again based on connections.
remember except for the ice cream shop job, i have absolutely no experiences that any of these people know about that make me qualified for any of these jobs! the only thing i have is connections based on being jewish, family connections, and a college education.
of course there's no guarantee that any of these will pan out or get anywhere beyond the interview stage, but i only have my foot in the door because of my privilege.
3-applied for this uncertified teachers program. after doing the application, i asked my mom to edit it for me. she's been doing that for my whole life! she practically rewrote of my essays. while i didn't use most of her changes, i realized ive always had a parent who has very active involvement in my education. i think about other people who applied for this or for other things, like colleges or scholarships or internships. i imagine the foot up i have on someone who has parents who don't have time or education or language to do that for their kid.
4-i went to an activisty new years party. when i got around this guy who i think has done good work and is interesting, i immediately started being really critical of miami's activist scene. upon reflection, i realized i have used and was using my critique as a way to cover up my own feelings of insecurity around my work here. i felt insecure about my work, so i dissed everyone else because i know its a way to 1)take pressure off myself 2)a fairly respected way of interacting in activist circles.
5-instead of accepting uncomfortabilty as a reality for so many people all the time and seeing myself as only dealing with small bit of it, i'm dwelling in my fears of my many options. should i move here or there? should i live at home (rent free) or move to chicago with my friends that im comfortable with? should i take this job or that one?
okay thats it for now. glad its out there
posted by wms at 12:18 AM
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